Over the past years, i have always thought that everything is well planned, and i will definitely achieve my final goals if i keep holding on to the beliefs and faith i have always held tight upon.
Yes, nothing is certain in this world. It's pathetic, yet it is the ugly truth that everyone of us has to embrace. I have been dreamy of lots and lots of things, or even people. Among the few, are the basic dreams of all man :-
- money-tree career
- football-field-sized Villa
- unlimited inflow of cash
- ever-sporty 5000hp demon sport car
- smoking-hot girlfriend
Those may seem easily achievable on papers or plans, but they are not. It takes every drop of your sweat and every neuron in your brain to work those out for you. I have always fantasized about those luxury life where i have to not worry about anything else but how to spend those stashing up cash behind my garage. Those were the days when i was young, when i was small, when i was 7 years old.
Reality is always ugly, and nothing beats the smack in the face when you have failed to fulfill everyone's expectation. From then on, i live up to expectation of all who have faith, who have believes, who have their trust in me. Throughout the ever-challenging years, i am who i am now, living up to my own expectation. I wouldn't boast about my achievements, yet they are not as proud as Mark Zuckerberg nor Justin Biebier who have made their fame and fortune before they are even categorized under the "mature" community. I am satisfied with my life now. The only imperfection i have, the only impairment which affects me the most now, is to find another half to complete the cycle of building up a family.
I once had the chance to achieve those, where i would call it a "perfect life" with everything in place. However, life's unpredictable, similarly towards fellow homosapiens out there. What human needs are attention, care, concerns and attention again. I guess it's not easy to balance out the W-vs-W issue : Work vs Wife. Although i did not reach the stage of marriage, yet i have always assumed her as THE WIFE. I have always say this, "If Work doesn't weighs more, then the Wife will not get what she has always dreamed for". Nah...those are just how guys put on show to cover up their affection and responsibility towards their own career and work. Women need attention, plenty of attention. Once you have lost it, you lose her as well.
A year had passed. Reminiscing back those 12 months, i barely achieve anything huge, anything commendable, anything worth to be boast about, of course, besides pampering myself with several wallet-torturing items. However, if she had not left, i would not realize how important friends can be in such depressing hours. I am relieve i have amended most of the broken bonds i had due to loss of contacts, laziness in catching up and so forth.
I have spent the last 1 year doing some soul-searching, which includes self-assessment of my well-being as well as attitudes, identification of the weaks, and try to emphasize on the strongs! I am not Gay! I did soul-searching for the right woman who can actually fit into my lifestyle and common interest. As age starts to sum up, the criteria has changed too. I used to dream of a perfect woman with perfect look, average height, extremely down-to-earth family background, ambitious and discipline, and by saying that, i mean no drinking, no smoking, no frequent outing with guys. Now, i am more to a guy who look for the right woman, which i think she's the right one, regardless of how she looks, where she comes from, how did she make her way here, and what she does over the day and night. What matter most is the chemical between us when we are together, when we share our stories, when we share our thoughts, when we share our time, when we do things together. That, and only that, matters now.
I couldn't deny that i have tried to look into a few options before this, and believe me, physical are not what i am looking for. In order to understand a person, you don't solely tell from their pictures nor the way the present themselves. You dig deeper. You ask around, you search around, you read around, you stalk around. Well, sound like a stalker indeed. But all those just show how dead serious i was when i am really into knowing someone. You wouldn't want to make another mistake in your life. Time's running out, and time wait for no man. I have always told those who have doubts in my way of handling relationship, and all i could say was "i am into a real serious relationship, and trying out are just not my option anymore". I guess that explains why i have actually kept a few kind and lovely souls out there disappointed. I am deeply sorry, but i have to convince myself first that i can actually commit before i let you commit to me.
Now, i guess i have found The One again, and the crazily-expressed urge of wanting to see her, wanting to hear from her, wanting to say things to her resurfaced. I have not experienced this feeling for a long time, and it resurfaced. I am not sure if i am the right one for her, but i am pretty sure with her by myside, i would transform from the depressed pathetic dude where everyone despise, to the luckiest dude where everyone will envy for the rest of their life.
I will DEFINITELY not screw this up, and i will try the very best in me, to tell her that i am worth her grasp! I may not be the perfect person, nor perfect gentlemen which she may have always wanted. But, i can assure her, she will have my 100% trust, 100% honesty, 100% love, sincerely pouring out, just for her. If i fail, i will put my guards down, and let the other destroy me. This is how confident i am in this!!
I hope whoever reading this, will put their hands together, pray for my success. Although happiness lies in our own hand, but with your support and prayers, i will be blessed spiritually.
My next update will tell, either i have succeeded, or i have failed.
X.O.X.O Howey
